The 4 Lies Nice Guys Believe That Cause Them To Always Finish Last.

The 4 Lies Nice Guys Believe That Will Always Cause Them To Finish Last.

When I said I was writing an article about nice guys, many of my women friends asked why?  I was told things like “No, I like nice guys”, or “What’s wrong with being a nice guy?”.  After I gave them a brief rundown on what the article entailed, however, they agreed that I needed to write it.

I’m not writing this to tell you to be a jerk or to become a “Bad Boy”.  That would go against everything I believe because I truly think every person should be true to themselves. I am a recovering nice guy. Yes, I still open doors, carry bags all that type of stuff.  What I am referring to is that guy that is a total pushover. The guy that doesn’t stand up for himself.  Yes, that was me and when I see other guys act this way it makes me cringe.  More and more society is telling guys to get in touch with their “Feminine” side and they are in serious need of remasculation.

 

1. “There is No ME Without US”.  Nice Guys Tend To Be Very Codependent.

Codependent:  of or relating to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

Over my years of being the Nice Guy, I can tell you about numerous relationships where I was co-dependent.  Being Co-dependent means your mood and quality of life depends on how happy your mate’s quality of life is.  In other words, you believe there is no ME, without US.  Being co-dependent you will do whatever it takes to keep the other person happy, even if it means putting up with things that make you miserable.

I had a girlfriend once that had a thing for thugs.  She liked hardcore rap and trashy ghetto reality shows.  Knowing this was the type she normally went for, I unsuccessfully tried to become more of what I thought she wanted. By liking what she liked. (Yes, I find it hilarious too.) I say unsuccessful because that is NOT who I am.  I hate hardcore hip-hop, I hate ghetto comedy shows, and I definitely don’t like hanging in the hood.  However, I didn’t want to disappoint so I went along with it.  Not being true to myself, but being what I thought I needed to be to hang on to her.

Sometimes our co-dependency isn’t attached to a particular person, but an idea.  We want to be in a relationship so bad because the idea of being alone means you are undesirable.  Because of this, ridiculous mindset, many Nice Guys will get involved with women who are the least likely to fulfill their needs of a positive and loving relationship.  Einstein said it best when he described insanity as “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.  We rush into relationships, getting with women who share the same qualities, but with a different look and name, and expect things to be different.

Related Article: Save Yourself From Heartbreak. The 8 Warning Signs That You Are Dangerously Infatuated. Read it NOW!

You need to learn how to love yourself before you think you can find someone who can love you for you.  Being co-dependent on any outside influence to provide you with a sense of self-worth will only lead to disappointment.  So stop walking on eggshells around whats-her-name. If she gets upset because you stand up for yourself and decide to finally grow a pair, then she isn’t the one for you.  Let her go, I promise you will be ok.

2. “If I am a Nice Guy I Will Be Liked and Loved.”

Many Nice Guys have this belief that they will be liked and loved by everyone if they are agreeable and keep the peace.  They don’t like conflict and can’t handle the thought of anyone, especially a significant other, being upset with them.  What they fail to understand is that conflict is just a part of life and you aren’t going to get along with everyone.  Everyone isn’t going to like you, and every woman isn’t going to love you because you are nice.

I cringe when I see a guy who is obviously trying too hard to win the affection of a woman who thinks he’s annoying.  I was up one night watching “90 Day Fiance” (Hey, don’t judge me).  This guy from Alabama was telling the world how he met some woman on a Philippine dating site and they have been communicating for several years.  This guy decided to draw money from his 401k and flew to the Philippines to see her. He was a nervous wreck and saying how he hoped she liked him and that he would propose to her.  They eventually met and she was less than pleased.  Her facial expression showed it all. He was walking around dropping his bags, apologizing to total strangers for being comically uncoordinated, he was a mess. She was annoyed, telling him to “Relax and calm down”. I laid in bed shaking my head at the pathetic scene unfolding on my TV.  I could tell he was the type of guy that wanted to please everyone. He even bought gifts for her entire family.  I turned it off before seeing the end partially because I couldn’t bear witness to the disappointment that was sure to happen.

Growing up in a deeply religious family, I was often told to be the “Peacemaker”, to “Turn the other cheek” when conflict came my way.  Yeah, for years I was a people pleaser.  I can tell you many tales of how I read and did absolutely stupid things in an effort to make others like me.  This is especially true when it came to women.  I look back at some of that stuff and I’m seriously like WTF.

Guys, everyone isn’t going to like you, and it’s ok. Stop telling the lame (and often inappropriate) jokes, stop pretending to know about things you know absolutely nothing about, and stop pretending you have an interest in things you don’t just to get people to like you. Be yourself and find a group of people that share your similar interest.  Chances are one of them might actually like you for you, flaws and all.

3. “If I Meet The Needs Of Others Without Them Asking, They Will In Return Meet Mine.” The Hero/Messiah Complex

Hero/Messiah Complex. The 4 Lies Nice Guys Believe That Cause Them To Always Finish Last.

I know from experience what it’s like to be a “Nice Guy”.  I often end up in relationships with women who wanted me to “Help make them a better person” or tell me how I was “So different than the other guys”.  However, this can only last so long before they eventually went back to what was familiar to them.

Back in 2010, I dated a woman who was gorgeous. I was 3 months out of a serious relationship and she was recently separated from her daughter’s father.  Things happened fast and I became quickly infatuated.  She complained how her ex-boyfriend was a deadbeat and never there for their daughter. How he was constantly unemployed and abusive.  But I, being a single father of two boys and having a steady job, decided to prove that I was the man she was looking for.

I wanted to be with her all the time and be there for her since I figured, this is what she wanted.  A couple months of my attempt at being her all and all quickly grew stale and she turned cold.  She stopped returning calls, was always too busy for company. I begged and pleaded, asking what did she want me to do? (This is what nice guys do). That was the wrong thing to say and the relationship ended. It was later that I found out that she got back with the very ex who she often complained about.

Being a Nice Guy you constantly try to become what you think others want you to be.  You develop a “Hero/Messiah Complex”.  The knight in shining armor coming to save the damsel in distress.  You try to become her everything and hide anything that could be seen as a flaw. You don’t want to be like the “Ex-boyfriend, ” she often complains about. Remember, you are different, easy, agreeable, and unfortunately… predictable.  There is no excitement from a guy that eats out of her hand. No unpredictability from a guy who is over agreeable, a guy who is at her beck and call.  Unfortunately for you, many damsels love their distress and thus will run back to the very person they spent the last few weeks telling you they hated.

See, trying to become what you think everyone wants while hiding everything that makes you who you are means you truly don’t value yourself as a person.  You avoid conflict, people please, go along with the crowd even when it makes you uncomfortable. Hiding your own interest and not placing yourself on a level of importance because you don’t want to cause conflict by “rocking the boat”.

Remember that you are not perfect.  Anyone who attempts to appear perfect will only face disappointment. The only people that don’t face retribution by appearing perfect are gods and the dead.  You’re neither, so stop it

4. “If I Do Everything Right, I’ll Have A Smooth and Problem Free Life.

Do you sense a theme here with nice guys and the need to avoid conflict?  We believe that if we do everything right that we can have a problem-free relationship and life.  Nice guys go out of their way to do everything right and often times end up messing things up in the attempt. And when things go wrong because you, Mr. Nice Guy, are trying too hard, you make it worse by doing that same thing that got you into that mess.  But now you do it twice as much thinking that maybe you didn’t try hard enough the first time now I know how to fix it.  Remember the Einstein quote above? If not go back and read it again.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

This is where the Nice Guy turns into a total and complete wuss and yes that was me too.  Trying to constantly apologize for everything? Saying stupid stuff like “I’ll do whatever you want me to do” because you are too much of a wimp to actually have a sense of self-esteem and let your balls drop a few inches.  I’ve seen couples walking where the woman is leading the guy around like a dog as if there was some invisible leash. You can tell a guy that has had his manhood stripped from him.  I’ve actually seen guys walk down the street and say sorry as they passed by them.  They don’t realize that they are literally saying sorry for walking down the freakin street.  How incredibly sad is that?!

Look, guys, I know I’m not perfect, no one is. You aren’t perfect, she isn’t perfect, your relationship isn’t perfect, and shit will eventually hit the fan.  Stop trying to avoid conflict by becoming the wimp of a man you see on every TV sitcom.  I say sorry, only when I’m wrong and that’s it.  I don’t say sorry to keep the peace, I don’t allow anyone to put me in the “Dog House” and I definitely don’t sleep on the couch because my girlfriend is pissed.  Always stand up for yourself. If you don’t like something, tell her. Especially if she has no problem telling you what she doesn’t like.  There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. She may even respect you more for it.

Conclusion

It took years for me to stop the nonsense.  I seriously had to take a look at myself and realize that I was the reason I had so many failed relationships, missed opportunities, and the reason people stepped all over me.  It’s not about being a jerk, it’s about having self-esteem and standing up for yourself. Stop being so afraid.  Afraid to ask for what you want, afraid of saying what you don’t like, afraid to be who you are, afraid of making her mad, afraid to stand up for yourself.  Make the change and make it now. And please, please, don’t apologize for walking down the street.


 

Terrell Cotton is a motivational blogger and a full-time single father of two boys who are his heart and soul.  His blog, Terrellcotton.com, is dedicated to helping men become better versions of themselves by building on biblical principles of authentic manhood and fatherhood.

 

 

 


 

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Related Article: Save Yourself From Heartbreak. The 8 Warning Signs That You Are Dangerously Infatuated. Read it NOW!

 

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